Smearing The Air

Written by Brooke Durkin

I feel a need to 'smear the air' in hopes that people will understand me better. In hopes of finding people who relate to the things that I've been through. In hopes of helping other victims of abuse find the strength to make it through another day. In hopes of becoming respected for my strengths, instead of being looked down on for my weaknesses. In hopes of showing everyone how incredible I am.

I have been told that writing in a daily journal will help me feel better. I've avoided writing about my past because I don't want to think about the fucked-up shit that I went through every day. but I involuntarily think about that fucked up shit every day, so I might as well try writing to see if that helps. I need writing experience to further my career as a successful freelance writer, so I'll write about my experiences for now.

This is a fair warning to everyone; I am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse and neglect. My blogs will contain extremely explicit, disgusting, vulgar, and offensive content that won't be easy for you to read. I'm not holding back for anyone, because if you think it's too difficult to read, keep in mind that I lived it.

When you go through traumatic events, it changes you. It changes how you behave, the way you think, and the way you feel; It changes the entire outcome of your life. I have yet to find anyone who's been through anything close to what I've been through, much less make it to where I am today. 

I understand how things appear from the outside looking in. Me doing my best looks like shit compared to everyone else's best. I'm not like other moms. I'm not like the people in my community. Up until this very day, I've felt like a square peg trying to fit through a round hole my entire life. I don't deserve to feel isolated anymore, so I'm reaching out for help and support from everyone who misunderstands me.

I wasn't raised like everyone else was. I didn't have the proper childhood structure to develop everyday life skills like everyone else did. Things like maintaining a job, and joining social functions are incredibly hard for me. Imagine how I feel seeing how easy it is for other people to do those simple things, and not knowing why I can't do them too.

I've lived my entire life convincing myself that the struggles I overcame didn't damage me, convincing myself that I can be a normal functioning member of society, and convincing myself that I will eventually find a way to fit in. It wasn't until recently that I realized and accepted that my traumatic childhood did affect me. I'm now in the process of figuring out why and how my past affects my everyday life. I'm learning how to process what was and I'm figuring out how to heal what is.

It wasn't until recently that I realized how bad the abuse I went through was. My husband was telling me about Howard Stern interviewing someone who talked about the sexual abuse they experienced throughout their childhood. This person was in my husbands' news feed for committing suicide. That made me realize how hard being sexually abused my entire childhood was for me too. It also made me realize how hard it was for me to live through the many other types of abuse I went through too.

My abusers had always told me that many people had been through so much worse than I had been through. I have been told millions of times to get over it and go on with my life as if it had never happened. I guess that's really fucking easy to do when the abuse didn't happen to you. 

I trusted and believed what my abusers said. I grew up believing that the majority of people my age had way worse lives than I did. They used those lies to manipulate and brainwash the truth out of me, so they could feel less guilty about continuing to abuse me. As an adult, I realize the minuscule amount of people who had lives like mine. I feel so alienated and alone not having anyone else to relate to, about anything.

Convincing myself that I'm strong enough to keep my past from affecting my future was a hard failure to face. Convincing myself that I'm strong enough to relive my past so I can fix my future is something I'm still working on.

Trying to figure out how my past affects me to this day scares the shit out of me. I suffer from severe social anxiety, which confuses the shit out of me because I really don't give a shit what anyone thinks about me. 

I need to find my reason to belong. I don't want to secretly struggle to find my place in this world anymore. I don't want to allow people to improperly judge me because I won't let them get to know who I am. I'm so proud of who I've become, and I deserve to be loved for the beautiful person that I truly am.

Pardon me while I smear the air... Things are going to get messy here and there. Follow my blog for the entertaining flaming carousel ride of what I call life.

Written by Brooke Durkin